Ask

 My left ear hurt. It was from the pumping music coming out of the speaker next to me in the spinning class. But I struggled to ask the instructor to turn it down. For minutes I went back and forth - was it only me? Should I just use earphones as earplugs? Why am I scared to ask for something I want? Maybe others also would prefer a lower volume. Does it matter if I am the only one who does?

I wonder why I was so resistant to ask. In so many areas I don't speak up. What is the worst that could happen? They say no? The scream at me and call me an idiot? They ignore me or make a joke at my expense? Even if all of those happened, I'd still be okay, and likely they will reflect worse on the answerer than on me. And also, that won't happen.

So I asked the instructor to turn the music down. He said no to the request, and said it was already low and any lower he'd fall asleep. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I tried to no longer make eye contact. I envisioned him telling the story and laughing about the guy who wanted the music lower. I thought of what I could say to him at the end of the class to change the topic or his perspective of me.

How fucking crazy is that?

In a class of strangers, making a 'reasonable' request and being declined (fair enough, it was his decision and could have been to the benefit of everyone else) threw me into a tailspin. 

It seems to me there is a calling here to something lacking, weak, or in need of development, that in public it's so difficult to ask and so difficult to be refused. If I were in touch with the reality of the situation, it would be insignificant. I think?  

Although the people that shamelessly with make their personal requests in public ("Karens") seem to have something going on too. I wonder where to find the middle ground.