Fat

 I've always been fat. 

Every memory I have or photo of me as a child I was chubby to obese. My whole nuclear family is fat too. 

I wonder what makes people fat. I wondered this in my spinning class this morning. I wonder this as I write after a breakfast bowl of banana, protein yoghurt, oats and berries. It seems to me that I eat better than most people, exercise more often than most people, yet I'm still fatter than most people.

Many times I've been jealous of naturally skinny or fit people. The people that eat whatever they want and never workout but still look great shirtless. Or at least better than me shirtless.

I find fat unattractive. I have no idea if it is because I have been fat shamed and self fat shamed my whole life, or if this is how everyone sees it. Is fat unattractive to everyone? I guess it is, based on the amount of products and info there is on losing weight.

I wonder if I'll always be fat. I've oscillated between different levels of fat - from obese to overweight to at the edges of 'healthy BMI' - but I've always been one of the fattest in my peer group. 

It seems that it can't be impossible to lose weight. I think that if I was in Auschwitz I'm sure I'd be skinny. I've never seen the 'chubby one' in a holocaust photo.

I wonder if it's actually okay that I find fat unappealing. It helps me workout and eat right. Those are probably good habits for other reasons too.

But I also wonder if I judge others to harshly and as 'lesser than' for being fat. If I avoid them. If I blind myself from seeing their true 'Self' and remain distracted by their skin. If I blind myself from seeing their passion and humor and ambition and sadness and creativity and spirit and energy and depth of being. I wonder if I do that to myself too.