Single

I did a lot on my own on the weekend. And it was unnerving. It was uncomfortable to walk alone, to be in a crowd looking for people to speak to. Feeling lonely and weird and unloved and judged.

It seems when speaking to a single friend there is a lot of pressure and judgement on them. Maybe I was seeing myself in society's eyes and wanting to show that I am desirable and not a weird loner.

I had forgotten how difficult it can be to walk tall with no one beside you. To have moments by yourself in a crowd and feeling like you're drowning but not wanting someone to feel like you're desperately holding onto them for dear life. 

I wonder how much I am now codependent, and have lost the ability to calmly be myself and alone, whole and okay, without needing to show the world I 'made it' with my wedding ring.